worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize