You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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