I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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