Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
