You just made me feel so damn special
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
