I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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