Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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