I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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