I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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