i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
