i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
