WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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