my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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