Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
