You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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