Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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