I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
