Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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