party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
