I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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