he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
