Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
