Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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