You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
