I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
