my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
