i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
