so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
