i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you never un-have a 4some
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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