Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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