Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
