Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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