forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
