then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
