one might say we're banned from that church
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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