I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She even gives head with a lisp.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
