96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
