umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize