you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
