Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
