I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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