First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
