they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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