Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
