2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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