It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
