He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
