Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
