Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
