when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
