R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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