Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
