I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
