I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My ATM looks so different sober.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
