Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
