So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
