the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
